Do you want the good news first...or the bad news?

Starting training this week with a good percentage of people who had never done Ironman before, I couldn't help but feel a little wizened. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still can't swim and at times my bike handling leaves plenty to be desired, but I know enough to laugh at the guy on the trainer next to me (nicely, of course) when he says that he already has a bike and so he doesn't plan to spend that much money on Ironman. So, here is a compilation of stuff I know. Some of it is good, some bad, some of it...well, some of it just is. In no particular order.

1. You will spend a zilliondy dollars before you cross the finish line. You may be the type of person who needs every new gadget out there or you may be a strict minimalist (or fall somewhere in between). You WILL spend a zilliondy dollars. You will spend more money on gas, sports drink, race entries, tire tubes, tune-ups, groceries, hotel rooms, and new shoes than you think you will. Yeah, that number in your head...double it. Triple it if you're that guy that was on the trainer next to me.

2. You will have a meltdown. At least one. I don't care if you're a dude. You will get off your bike and threaten to throw it. You will sit down in the middle of a run and refuse to get up. You will bang your head against the steering wheel in your car after a ride when your legs would barely move or you got 3 flats or it was 100 degrees outside or a combination of all three. You might even cry. Even if you are a dude. It will be epic, but it will be okay.

3. You will feel great when you start getting into shape and then your legs will feel terrible pretty much until you taper.

4. No matter how much of an athlete you feel like today, you will feel like a major badass by June.

5. By June, you are also going to have nothing to talk about other than your training and will have spent enough time in the sun to think that it's actually interesting to people who aren't training with you. It's not. Stop talking about it. Trust me.

6. You are going to meet some badass MFers. You may even think right now that you fall into the badass MFer category. You don't. Trust me. No matter how badass you think you are, you are going to meet some guy or some girl who is so badass that they make you feel like you are riding a pink huffy. ("oh, you're training for your first Ironman? I've done twenty" "Ah. Ironman, I did those before I got into ultraman." "Yeah, I got sick of riding my bike, so I'm training for Leadville"). Be wary of these people. If you listen to them too much, they start sounding less crazy and you might even start thinking that some of their ideas seem like good ones. And then all of a sudden you are flying to Antarctica to run a marathon wearing a snow suit.

7. When you tell people that you are doing Madison, they will mention the swim start. They will show you this picture or one that looks just like it. They will use adjectives like "washing machine". It will scare you. For good reason. But it will be okay.

8. By May you will want to eat everything. You will. With Abandon. I remember e-mailing coach something close (seriously) to the following: "I just ate a whole cake. I mean a WHOLE cake. I'm still hungry. What's wrong with me?". She told me to eat more avocado and nuts. To her credit, I didn't eat a whole cake again.

9. If you are a man, you will do #8 while losing tons of weight. If you are a woman, you will stay the same weight while your waist whittles down and your butt and thighs get bigger.  Invest in a pair of comfy yoga pants that stretch now. Sorry, but it's the truth.

10. By August, you will most likely be questioning your own sanity as you miss birthday parties, baptisms, and weddings to go ride your bike. Sometimes alone, sometimes in heat. You will pee in cornfields and talk to cows on the side of the road instead of doing normal-people things. You will feel abnormal because, well, you are abnormal.

11. That sexy hint of color you got from marathon training? With Ironman training, It will be a full-on suit of too-tan and white even if you wear SPF 100 every time you leave the house.

 

12. If you follow the training plan, you will be ready. Seriously. No matter how crappy you feel through training, you will be ready. The race is just preparation + heart + a hope that your digestive system holds up.

13. It will be worth it when you cross the finish line.