An Open Letter to Bally's Total Fitness

Dear John...[ahem]...I mean, Bally's,
It's not you, it's me. Well, no. Mostly, it's you. I know that we've been together since college (8 years now!), but I think that it might be time to say goodbye. It's not the smell; really, I'm not that sensitive to it and it gives me the feeling that I'm really "working out" when everything smells bad. It's not the fact that you don't have any towels (or really any amenities at all- including soap dispensers with soap in them), I understand that this is part of the reason that you can give me a membership for only $20 a month (although a friend of mine claims he pays $8- what's with that?). It's not even the locker room (although I am confused as to why the same naked old lady is always sitting [and sometimes eating] in there).
It's not the fact that you wouldn't let me out of my three year contract when I moved to Scotland, despite guaranteeing that you would (I mean, I had a letter from my employer, a stamp in my passport, an electric bill, a check stub, and a cashed rent check- what more do you want to prove I live somewhere?). It's not the fact that someone suckered me into a three year contract (Three years! That's longer than most relationships last).
Really, at this point it's the pool. There's a couple things about the pool that I just can't do. First of all, I am a little concerned by the hairy men with gold chains who sit in the hot tub and ogle the swimmers (who are mostly older ladies with sagging speedos...). They never leave. Just like the naked-locker-room-eating lady. They're not the major reason we must bid ado, however. It is your general lack of hygiene these days. There are...um (how do I say this politely)... things floating in the pool. Things that should not be floating in the pool. Also, when the water gets cloudy, it's time to add some chlorine. Not a lot, but some.
I hope maybe you've learned something from our time together. I know I have learned at least one thing: it's worth a couple extra bucks to pay for a grown-up gym that actually cleans up after itself.